My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
