I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
from now on my penis is your penis
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
