I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
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