saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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