i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Randomize
