Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Randomize