***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Randomize