My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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