It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Randomize
