pedialite and red bull = repair kit
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
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