I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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