my phone needs a breathalizer
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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