I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
