I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Randomize