it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
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