my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
