RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
