oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
