Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Randomize
