omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
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