ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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