omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
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