sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
