I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Randomize
