I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
