dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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