3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
