Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
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