I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Found your dick twin last night
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
Randomize