you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Randomize
