Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
