I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
