I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Randomize
