K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Randomize
