Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
