we're chasing vodka with high fives
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Randomize
