haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
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