I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
Randomize
