I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
