I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
