the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
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