i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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