I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
