I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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