My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize
