I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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