I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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