Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Randomize