At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize