non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
