i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
Randomize
