You're a womanizer and a bitch.
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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