So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
