im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
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