The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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