I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
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