I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
I think im going to throw up on grandma
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
