my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Randomize