Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Randomize
