My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Randomize
