I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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