Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Randomize
