He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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